The Kylie, August 1999 - Issue 3 (Part six)

Kylie Babe of the Month

Anna Kournikova

Editor's note - this isn't the exact same photo as used in the issue but is from the same photoshoot.

The Kylie, August 1999 - Issue 3 (Part five)

Richie Writes

Advice From The Heart

continued...

Sunbed is ruining me!

Dear Richie
My electricity bill is always ten times my neighbours yet my only electrical item is a sunbed. I just can't bring myself to switch it off! I'm facing bankruptcy so what should I do?

Richie Writes: 2 words for you = FAKE TAN!


BR here I come!

Dear Richie
Where O where can I go to learn to be a train driver?

Richie Writes: Call my "How to be a train driver" Hotline, they should be able to give you all the info you need. Good Luck!


I want to be Pele!

Dear Richie
I have fantasies about playing for Brazil and dribbling the ball round the whole French football team (twice!) to score the winning goal in the World Cup final. Is this healthy?

Richie Writes: First of all but every item of Brazilian football kit you can find then practice being a greedy bastard on Sunday mornings, finally stick 2 pieces of 'Extra' chewing gum over your front teeth and you're nearly there!


Stop me Hogging!

Dear Richie
I find it impossible to play 2-touch football, where am I going wroung?

Richie Writes: Try removing the superglue from your football boots and this might help,


Please write to Rich as your problems are his problems.

The Kylie, August 1999 - Issue 3 (Part four)

Richie Writes

Advice from the Heart

(Editor's note - This 'Agony Aunt' column, written by our very own Richie Rees, originally appeared with fake names of the people who wrote the fake questions. As those names were only one or two letters removed from people's real names I have removed those to protect the innocent!)

Food is ruining my marriage!

Dear Richie
Every night when my wife is asleep I sneak downstairs and eat loads of pizza and chocolate. I'm worried this will ruin my marriage so what should I do?

Richie Writes: I think the best way to avoid the temptation of chocolate and pizza is to not buy them in the first place you Fat Bastard!


Manager gives me the hots!

Dear Richie
I try and model myself on my football manager who's really lovely, should I let him know how I feel?

Richie Writes: Next time your manager is giving a naked team talk let him know you like him by gently caressing his bottom, not only will this let him know how you feel it will also give you a pleasurable erection.


My temper is ruining my life!

Dear Richie
I have sudden head rushes when playing football which causes me to shout and swear at my team mates which always ends up in them leaving me - I'm worried that I'll end up alone so what should I do?

Richie Writes: Eh mate. Don't have a go at me about it! Sort it out yourself!


Old before my time!

Dear Richie
I seem to have aged twice as fast as my friends, do you think I should see a doctor?

Richie Writes: Try Oil of Ulay, it does wonders for your skin and also has a very nice scent.


To be continued...

The Kylie, August 1999 - Issue 3 (Part three)

Player Profile

Name: Philip Graham Hobbs
Previous Clubs: The Grapes, Highworth, Sacha Distel's Fan Club
Favourite TV: Open University
Favourite Music: Little Red Ball by Tommy Steele
Favourite Place: Swindon College
Favourite Pastimes: Accountancy & Waffling

The Kylie, August 1999 - Issue 3 (Part two)

Social Events

Kylies night at the dogs - September 25th 1999

The Six-Pack costs just £10 and is simply the best value in town.
The price includes:

• Admission (including car/coach parking)
• Racecard
• Chicken and chips or Scampi and chips
• Two pints (or two single house spirits with mixer)
• £1 tote voucher
• Free admission on your next visit

Dear Kylies,

This is a good chance for us to get together and have a good but cheap evening together with partners and friends and a good opportunity to raise some more money for the club.

Please can you let me know how many people are coming with a £5.00 deposit for each person you bring by Sunday September 5th. The more people come the more chance we have at getting our own room with bar and betting facilities.

I hope we can all make the effort to turn up ourselves and with friends and family if possible.

KMLC Golf Day 99

Friday 10th September

Venue: Broome Manor Golf Club

Cost: £20 - £10 deposit required ASAP

Time: 1pm

Meal: Italian/Indian (Whatever We Decide)

Evening: Old Town then on to a club

Can all Kylies past and present who are interested please contact myself or Gary Payne so we can start to arrange teams for the day.

As above we will require the £10 deposit at least 2 weeks before the event.

Prizes to be won.

The Kylie, August 1999 - Issue 3 (Part one)

News

Gary Payne Wins MVP

Last season's award ceremony was held at The Falcon and was a successful evening. The following people won awards:

• MVP - Gary Payne
• Golden Boot - Mark Watling
• Captain's Trophy - Paul Garratt
• Spoons - Richie Rees

Next season's end of season ceremony will be discussed at the next committee meeting and options put forward to the team to decide..


Forthcoming Fixtures

• August 22nd - Nationwide Pipers Way - 10.30am Kick Off - v Nationwide 
• August 24th - Faringdon - 6.30 Kick Off - v Faringdon
• August 29th - King Edward Stud - 10.30am Kick Off - National Power

Game Day Rules

• Players must arrive between 9.45 and 10am
• Late fine will be £1.00 after 10am
• £3.00 Subs to be paid on game day
• Dirty Boots will be a fine of £1.00